Erggggggggggg… I just made the post about my first love who is happily with someone. I was alerted to someone’s profile on Facebook. I proceeded to watch the video of his wedding. And I’m struggling to articulate the emotions consuming me at this very moment.
I never wanted him. But why didn’t he pursue ME? I don’t think I’d ultimately want to be with them, but why don’t these guys pursue me? The woman he married is beautiful, and their wedding was exquisite. And I desperately want to be happy for them all other happily married couples. But why can”t I shake this prominent presence of aloneness in my life? Why am I not able to feel complete with my children, house, dogs, career, social life? Why does the absence of a boyfriend/eventual husband prevail over the many other fantastic things in my life? I try to be happy. I try to be hopeful. I try to not think about it. But it’s there. Loud and clear…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: dreaming, first love, my time, one that got away, sad, what could have been
My word, it was like an electric shock to my heart… I just received a Facebook message saying that one of my old high school coaches had worked with my first love in high school, Mike Jones. My first thought was that this was fate! I have always wondered what “could have been” with him. He is my infamous “one that got away”. I immediately responded saying that I heard he was coaching in Dallas and married with kids. It was like hope sprung eternal (well, for a moment LOL).
The reply confirmed that the rumor was true. He was happily married, teaching and coaching with a little boy and girl. My heart sank to the pits of my stomach. Eyes welled up… Wondering if “my time” for love would ever come…
Sad and reminiscent, yet still dreaming…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: frivolous, hiring house cleaner, Jerry Maguire, Renee Zellweger, single mom, single mother cleaning
Does that not just sum it up? I almost hired a maid a couple of weeks ago, until my son said the day before, “I’m not doing that; it’s Pramila’s (the maid) job.” I was horrified that my 2 able-bodied kids and I could not clean a house of 1400 sq ft. Ridiculous, right? With 3 dogs and 2 kids, I just can’t seem to keep it ALWAYS tidy… And this weekend, I was going nuts trying to clean and feeling very frustrated… Then I thought how sad I will be when the kids and dogs are gone and I’m left with a very clean house? Ironic, right? So, for now, I’m thankful for my “opportunity” to clean.
And, just because I’m a single mom does not mean I will not be a risk taker and/or frivolous whenever I want to be! 🙂
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: confused, he's just not that into you, lost in love, relationships, sad, ugly truth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEKC5pyOKFU
This is my song for tonight. He called Friday night from a different number. I had his old one blocked. It’s been 7 months… He was the second one that I ever thought I was in love with. I’ve been in this deep pit of despair in the past 48 hours. I’m terribly sad and lonely and disillusioned and completely nostalgic. The sickening thing is that I’m nostalgic ONLY about a feeling, not a boy. The boy didn’t love me. In fact, he hurt me repeatedly and cheated on me and was actually quite malicious. He’s still with the ex-wife he told me he was in love with.
And I have to tell you that I miss being in love. I long to be “selfless” and lost in the moment. Getting lost in that empty stare that he used to catch me in… The feeling in my stomach was pure bliss. And you couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. In my narrow perspective, it was beautiful. I didn’t want anything else, just him… And I’ve met other men. Some are so into me that they can’t see straight. And it doesn’t work for me. It’s not the right fit. Is it ever going to work out for me? I’m coming up on 10 yrs of divorce this March. I ping my friends, and they are busy with their fiances, husbands, boyfriends, etc. Has my life passed me by? Have I missed my window of opportunity?
I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m a wonderful girl, but it just doesn’t appear to be in my future. Can someone please tell me what I’m doing wrong?
My friend says to me tonight, “I admire how open and honest you’ve been with your psycho babble.”
I proceeded with the following:
“It’s therapeutic. It’s real. It’s humble. And when you’re real, people love you. They let you in. They let their guard down. And they can be receptive to your words. And if i can touch someone in a ‘positive’ way by my ridiculous antics and insecurities then i have arrived, my friend. It’s all worth it.”
He gets a little bit frightened when I tell him “Eleanor” is coming out. (She’s not a very nice girl at all.) OK, I’m just kidding about the multiple voices. I’m pretty sure you are starting to see that joking is my coping mechanism. What is better than laughing at yourself? Trust me, with all the issues I’ve accumulated, I’m laughing at me, myself, and I just about every 5 minutes!
Anyway, this boy told me how much he adored how honest and open we are with each other. I said, “It’s refreshing, like a Sprite.” 🙂 I tell you. You need this, at least one person in your life that is “unfiltered” as I like to say. It literally changes everything.
OK, enough of the silliness… Life does have to be a joke, or I tell you we will all be miserable! The things I’ve done and gotten myself into crack me up, of course ONLY when I look back on them. 🙂 I do have a message though, and with all sincerity I must say that I have blundered repeatedly in so many areas of my life. And some of the things still haunt me to this very day. When we are young, we are clueless to the permanence of the errors of our ways. I still experience pains in my heart from things 15 and 20 years ago. So, as my parents have always said, “Do as I say, not as I do!” LOL
Learn from me. Love from me. And laugh from me.
Goodnight, folks…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: facebook, half-ass, he's just not that into you, ugly truth
I’m just sad…
Do you have any idea what it takes me (woman of 10 years of singledom) to finally let someone in to my heart? It’s brutal on the men that encounter me. Some can handle it. Some can’t. Some harden towards me, and most of the time when I’m finally “ready”, my window of opportunity with them has already passed. And, so I’m here tonight after I got my “feelings” hurt AGAIN. Sure it doesn’t help that one my fantastic and most joyous quarterly cycle is here… I’ve done some funky things. I’ve shut him out when I didn’t feel like I was getting what I want and deserve. I actually at one point went back to my ex that I thought I was in love with because AGAIN I wasn’t getting all that I needed. Then, I accidentally popped back into his life. And, you’re probably thinking, “What is this girl’s deal? She has clearly shunned him. What does she expect?” Well, funny you asked…
I’m a woman. I want what I want when I want it! Dang it! So, about 3 months ago, I arrived at the reality that I couldn’t get what I wanted and needed unless I was willing and able to give it. And on my clock (my clock specifically and NOT his), I decided that it was now time to give 100%, all the walls were coming down, all my eggs were gonna go in one big, stinkin’ basket… And I’ve done what I set out to do. I opened up. I showed my weaknesses. I was NOT alway Positive Polly. I clearly defined my intentions and my feelings. I became “vulnerability station”. And while I’m a giver and genuinely grasp that joy of being in the moment, I sometimes so very much hope and expect that at least a minuscule portion of those steps in the right direction are reciprocated.
It’s a terrible curse to expect people to be on the same level. (I’m working on that..) I’m here, drowning in the repetition and redundancy of begging for more from him, less surface, increased depth, the “real” him. And as ridiculous as it may sound, I got upset that even after the past 8 crazy months, he refused to even label us “committed” and much less “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Yes, I remember all the starts and stops I played on him. But I’ve been ready for a while now! The hardness had dissipated! I was open again, and that was beautiful… 🙂
Then, I felt even more crazy when I saw his Facebook that I had asked to be invited to and was still not on (no pics of him and I) that had him and at least a 1/2 dozen cozied up women pictures. And I cringed! But it was really because I was hurt. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be the one he showed off. I want to be the light that guideth his patheth. JK (Well, really, I’m not.) I called him on it, and he was more defensive than I’ve ever seen him. And it just hurt more, and I masked it with anger and resentment.
And a month went by, and he left for a tropical vacation for 9 days of which I only heard from him twice… And he got home, and it was awkward. I felt disconnected. He’s not the type to open up. (Hello! Red flag!) Why am I even wasting on time with someone who doesn’t want to talk to me, or might not even be CAPABLE of it? It’s a mystery. Please, someone with reason and sanity and wisdom, I beg you- comment on this blog. No, REALLY. So, he posts pics from the trip, and they are all very tame, certainly not including scantily clad women. His buddy, however, goes a different route and posts the real pics. I see them tonight, ONLY because I was trying to post another blog entry to help his business and give him PR because he is struggling immensely financially. And I don’t ever even go to his Facebook. I haven’t been there since he got back from the trip.
Now not only are those pics up, but there is still NOTHING of me… The excuse before was that the pics of “us” were on a different computer. It’s been a month now, and it hasn’t been a priority. Frankly, between you and I, I wouldn’t have cared if ones of me were STILL not there until I saw the pictures of MORE women and him. And I just lost it. I don’t know if I’m justified. Is this just karma? I so care for him, but I just feel like a nag. I can’t win. I can’t get what I want. How long do I wait? Do I punish myself and stay here because I wish I had done things differently? Or do I draw the line because I have standards? My most wonderful grandmother has always said, “You will NEVER find the right one unless you get rid of the wrong one.”
Confused and sad and emotional I am… Advice? So after all that, my general take on his lackadaisical treatment towards me is the he is just NOT that into me…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: appreciate, he's just not that into you, no fire
Still stuck on the “into me” theme… Good times. Meeting the parents?
Funny, I wrote the hub about the boy just not being that “into me”. Then that same day I started getting calls and texts from some girl who said she was his girlfriend??? It was very bizarre because I’m not sure how she even connected me to him. We definitely keep business and personal life separate. 🙂 Anyway, I did text and call her back, but she did not reciprocate any type of communication after she stated they had been “intimate” for the past year and a half and that she was his girlfriend and that she was on the way to his house to confront him. Good times. (You will see that a lot, my dear readers. “Good times” is one of my coping mechanisms.)
Anyway, I ask him about it the next day. I was already asleep when the texts and calls from the girl came in. I awoke to the fabulous news. 🙂 He said that he hadn’t “been” with her since January and that she was definitely a girl from the past. I trust him at least 95% of the time, so I let it go. She also never contacted me back, so I guess we will have to chalk it up to one of those “crazies”.
Alright, so back to the last blog… He did read it. And he knows that I have been getting very close to just cutting this thing off… Then he states that before any of this happened with crazy girl that his parents were coming in town this weekend and that he would like me to meet them. And, let me tell you, that is a BIG deal for him! So, the weekend gets here, and nothing is mentioned… I send him a text yesterday stating that I did have plans, but I would drop them in a heartbeat if he needed me to be there for the introduction. I also mentioned there was no “pressure” for him to still introduce me, so if he had changed his mind, I was ok.
Well, I have news for you: it was NOT ok! Why would he suggest that and then renig? It’s like a guy telling you that he’s going to call you on a specific time and day, and he never calls. I would have rather him just NEVER tell me had intentions of calling. In this specific scenario, I wish he would have never mentioned me meeting the parents. For a second I was excited and felt very special, and in an instant, I was left with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. Anyway, I say there is no pressure, but there is. Us ladies are soooooooo difficult, or maybe it’s just me??? LOL
Again, after almost 10 years of singledom, I have to admit there is definitely ONE common denominator with all of my failed relationships, ME. And that is where the title of this hub originated from. I repeatedly choose boys that are aloof and incompetent communicators. There is also a pattern of me selecting boys that are harder to attain, and from the “get-go” seem not to be that “into me”. Anyone who would like to analyze my mental state PLEASE feel free! I know I love the challenge. I know I love what I can’t have. I do want someone better than me, more powerful, more intelligent, more of a leader… That in itself is extremely challenging, as I have an incredibly strong personality, sometimes good and sometimes quite bad. Good times. 🙂 I also wonder if I choose certain people because I don’t feel I deserve the best. If they REALLY knew everything about me and all of my flaws, would they actually still like me? In my head, all the little voices tell me no.
So, as usual, I remain a WIP (work in progress) as I stumble through life falling on my face almost hourly in attempt to see the truth about my life. Until next time…
Filed under: Uncategorized
I must start out in full Bridget Jones fashion.
Weight: 136.5
Drinks: 2 (as of last night)
Shags: 1 (in the last week)
OK, what mydream partner looks like… I’m supposed to be picturing kissing him all over his body… This is awesome!
My hottie is 6’1″. He’s got dark brownish blackish hair. His skin is very olive and tan. He appears to be foreign, but I can’t specifically place it. He has the most dreamy mint green eyes that resemble the mystery of a cat’s, and I lose myself in them. But I am the only one that sees through them and knows his soul. His eyebrows are on the thicker side, but they do NOT resemble caterpillars. 🙂 His nose is average, and his lips are full and fabulous. His kiss is mesmorizing. He loves kissing me just as much as I do him. He can’t get enough of me. His teeth are straight and white, and the way he speaks can charm the pants off anyone. He immediately gains attention from anyone, and they hang on his words. He’s incredibly witty and kind and mannerly and educated and giving. (OK gotta get back to appearance. I got carried away!) He’s naturally built on the thicker side ( I mean like naturally muscular NOT naturally FAT ). His arms and chest are cut. His BUTT is my favorite. It’s hard, it protrudes, and frankly, I think I could live there! 🙂 Quads are rock solid, and his calves are huge. CALVES are my second favorite body part. And his feet are perfect. Unfortunately, I’m remembering an ex’s feet right now (we will call him the “charmer”), but oddly enough my NEW BOYFRIEND has even better feet! Less hair… OH, and my hotties is virtually hairless, on his body that is. He kindly trims what I ask him to. He smells like my current on and off fling that I swear the smell is what drew me to him in the first place. That smell carries me away like freakin’ Pepe Le Peu! (For the blogs’ sake, we will call that boy “on the fence”.) My dream boy never smells of BO, and his breath is always pleasant for the most part. And we didn’t talk about the “PACKAGE’. Well, it’s on the average to long size, and the boy has got girth! And he moves it like my ex-husband. I swear no one has been able to duplicate that. My goodness, it was the best, most passionate sex I have ever had! (Yes, he will get a name too, but he has the place of honor and will get one closest to his real name – he will be “Los”.) My new boyfriend touches me softly at times and rough at others; his timing is impeccable. He’s very touchy-feely, and he adores my body! He clearly cannot keep his hands of this Hot Chick! 🙂 I am his end all-be all, and he is mine. It’s perfection. He’s romantic and thoughtful and always surprising me, and each day that passes is more beautiful than the last.
I seem to be getting in to this! Now how my man acts…
He is the perfect blend of charm, humor, wit, and intellect. He always knows when to turn it on. He is a light that people are drawn too, a magnet. And I love that people love him. And I love that he shows me he loves me in front of them. My man adores my children and does not ever treat them like they are not his own. He doesn’t have kids of his own, but he also doesn’t need them. And he doesn’t want me to have any more! Thank heavens!!! He’s respectful to me. I’m always the only woman in the room. 🙂 He builds me up and encourages me. And he is a leader, a pillar of strength, and I respect him and listen to him. He loves to travel; and he takes me constantly, sometimes spur of the moment. (And, yes, he pays!) He knows that is something I feel like I have missed out on. We are both adventurers and love living in the moment and creating new experiences. He is confident and is proud to be with me. He is a communicator and a mediator and a lover. He is a risk taker, but he is very fiscally responsible. He’s level headed and not quick to anger. He loves music more than me, if that’s possible!
Next post will be describing “How My Man Loves Me” 🙂 Awwwww yeahhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Filed under: Uncategorized
I got hooked in to looking at ex-boyfriend’s profiles that have moved on, gotten married, are in relationships, etc. And I ask myself, “Why them? Why not me?” And if someone tells me again that it’s just not my time yet or I’m not ready yet or when I stop looking, I will find them, I seriously might completely lose it! I’m sure there are a lot of reasons why. My “pickometer” is completely out of whack. It’s like a compass that tells me I’m going north, but really I’m going south!
All of this is ok though because I am a hot chick. I actually am a lot hotter within than on the outside. Or is that just my winter blubber keeping me warm? LOL!!! I mean, really, what do I want? I see girls in relationships, and I see them happy. But, I will tell you that I wouldn’t want to date who they are dating. I just want to be happy! I want to feel loved, but I soooooo want “THE ONE”. You know? I’m fastly approaching my 10th yr of divorce, and I’m not sure that I can handle much more of… “Why are you still single?” “I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend!” “What is wrong with guys?”
So, I’m pulling myself together here. I’m going into positive mode now. 🙂 I’ve already described my “Hot Chick” self. Now I’m going to actually plot who will be my “Hot Man”. Yes, this is part of that book… I started it yesterday, and it’s quite entertaining. More to come…
Filed under: Uncategorized
Um, yes, I’m reading this. Because frankly, I have to actually convince myself that I actually am a hot chick! LOL
Quote on emptiness of gold diggers:
“If something crazy happens and we suddenly get a million dollars and a Mercedes, then cool, but we’d honestly rather live with our beat up 1997 Jeep Cherokee with one window that won’t roll down and no air conditioner if it means having someone we’re so attracted to that we want to eat French fries off his butt”
Can I just tell you how much I freakin’ love that??? Man, I’ve had boys that were so dreamy to me that I would just lick them and love them and stroke them and rub them and all that good stuff. It’s the best!!! I dig being completely consumed like that. Euphoria I tell you…
Anyway, I’m supposed to write about all of the good things about me, the things that make me a Hot Chick, and eveything else I want to be, hope to change, or wish I was. So here goes…
From the very beginning, I have been destined for greatness. I am intellectual. I am damn sexy. I am hilarious. I am a light. I make people smile and laugh. I am a motivator. I am a lover. I am the most amazing mother. I am a nurturer. I am a goofball. I am an empathizer. I am a giver. I am a dreamer. I am a music, art, and dance appreciator. I am a writer. I am a creator. I am a big idea person. I am affectionate. I am a business owner. I have so many ideas that I can’t keep them straight. I am trustworthy. I am losing weight by the minute and one day in the very near future will reach 100 lbs. 🙂 I will be organized and more structured. I will start my nonprofit. I will empower other single women. I am secure with myself. I am not jealous of other girls. I have the power to get whatever I want. I will have everything I want in a man: funny, leader, smarter than me, stronger than me, lover of my children, EXTREMELY financially stable, fantastic chef, sensitive, tall, dark, lover of dance and music, hot as shit :), someone who is so “in” to me they can’t see straight and someone who wants to eat French fries off of every single nook and cranny of this beautiful, vivacious specimen of a woman!
Damn, I’m hot!
Like "Julie & Julia"... Based on 2 true stories 